Recently, I did an exercise on values, putting into words what matters little – much – most to me. After struggling to whittle down the multitude of words I felt were important, even very important to me, I ended up with ten, that I then had to put into order of importance.
Here they are, the top one being the most important:
Later that week I spent an afternoon at a workshop entitled Erotic Blueprint Exploration (in case you wonder: Skin welcome, but nothing overtly sexual.) hosted by Anna Brix Thomsen and reflecting on the experience, I got curious about how my values showed up. (And what values they were… remembering clearly the top one, with the others a bit hazy, to tell the truth.)
When I brought the list of them up on my computer, something clicked. A significant shift. A realisation about why, in a workshop such as this one, I can let go and just be. Something I struggle more with in one-on-one settings of intimacy, of allure, of desire to touch and be touched.
Was I vulnerable today? Yeah. Absolutely. In all moments, from the initial sharing, the shorter opportunities to look within and share with someone witnessing in loving presence, to the longer explorative exercise. Vulnerable to others, but also to me. Sometimes, when paired up in a listen-witnessing situation, I hear myself saying things I’ve never said before. Things I’ve never even thought before. That’s part of the magic of connection acting as an enabler, a catalyst for new insights. Trying things on, in words, and liking what I heard myself say.
The free erotic blueprint test is just a short teaser, but back when I took it pre-Sex, Love and Goop-fame, the entire test was free, so I came to the workshop with a fairly good grasp of my erotic blueprint. I am as much sensual as I am energetic. But everyone has all of the blueprints (sensual, energetic, sexual, kinky, and shapeshifter), or at least I think so; and I know for a fact that, to a degree, they are all present in me.
So when I voluntarily paired up with two men, as we were uneven pairs, I got to experience forty minutes of all of my values being present. Vulnerability – being there, with two strangers. Allowing myself to give myself over to the moment, with openness (what might happen here?), learning and curiosity alike (all of my senses were engaged, there I was, enjoying things I would not have been able to tell you beforehand that I would enjoy). Letting my intuition guide me, playfully present in the moment, in the setting (context) of the entire group as well as with my two partners, a feeling of love embracing me throughout. And hearing the responses to my sharing in the closing circle, I could tick off the last one, of making a difference.
Feeling brave, elated, happy.
Relaxed and soft.
And paradoxically, as vulnerable as I can feel in the company of many, somehow I feel even more vulnerable in the company of a few, not to mention one. Perhaps because then my part of what is, is bigger, than when there are more people around. And that can stop me, make me shy away, shut down, disconnect. So might it be, that I can get more of what I desire in smaller settings, if I play more with values of mine, such as playfulness? Curiosity? Intuition even?
Letting vulnerability be there, but toning it down, so I don’t allow it to become a threshold that I cannot make myself cross? I have (had) a habit of building mental obstacle courses, putting too much meaning on what could very well be a playground instead, somewhere for me to relax, have fun, try things out. What might happen if I build an inner playground instead?