I’m so miserable when I’m in my head, Steve says, after we’ve spent some time speaking about the fascinating aspect of wintering, which also happen to be the name of a book by Katherine May, a book I highly recommend you read/listen to. Surprisingly, this is one of those audiobooks I’ve not only listened to with great enjoyment, but actually relistened to. (Have not been a big fan of audiobooks as a way for me to read, but have found a few that I truly enjoy listening to, so warming to the concept. And am an absolute fan of everyone finding whatever works for them!)
Wintering makes me feel held, recognizing myself in the manyfold stories of periods of personal winters, which may or may not fall in the physical winter period. So when I hear Steve share about two distinct different cycles he’s discovered in his life, I give him a bit of tankespjärn. What if… there’s no fixing to be done? What if these two different ways of being are simply natural cycles of (his) life? What if life isn’t supposed to be ‘the same’ all year round? Maybe we need the cycle of forgetting, wintering, re-remembering, getting re-energized? I wonder if next time one of these in my head-cycles roll around for him, if the experience might be different? Perhaps. Perhaps not.
I know I am far from dependable when it comes to putting insights into action. Which is funny, as me being ‘The Dependable One’ for clients, family, friends is one of the meanders we stroll past in this, our third conversation. Turns out being dependable to others also means I am not dependable to me, habituated to put others ahead of myself and my needs.
My recent period of wintering, which has coincided with the actual winter, is one where the consequences of not caring for myself enough has become apparent in how little creative output I’ve had in the past months. I have a number of blog posts I… arghhh, I even struggle writing want to write there, feels much more like a should. Which might well be one reason why I’ve been procrastinating. Which, incidentally, is a concept I am warming to, more and more. It’s a very clear signal, and boy do I ever need clarity in signal-strength, helping me to get it, whatever it happens to be in the moment.
The Dependable-insight popped during a therapy session, followed by a question that I had no answer to. A void opened up, as I sat with it, and even now, I still don’t know the answer to it. Who am I, if I am not The Dependable one?
This, and much more in this conversation where I am certain you there will be some tankespjärn or two for you.
Steve Emery is most easily found on Color Sweet Tooth
Wintering by Katherine May
Living beautifully by Pema Chödrön
The year of bubbles for Helena
The Creative Community both me and Steve are a part of