Without rules and guidelines, would anarchy ensue?
Isn’t that what we (me, you, others?!) believe? Or are taught to believe?
That anarchy is the natural outcome if there aren’t any rules.
I don’t think it necessarily would be.
Perhaps because I don’t think we, humans, function without rules. That is, even if there weren’t any rules, or they were removed, new ones would evolve. Because we are group animals, belonging together, rules will develop from the interactions of all involved.
“…we are taught not to listen. We’re taught not to hear what the system that is me is actually signaling.” ~Helena
So when (or if) rules are enforced in such a way where I am not taught to listen within, to sync the rules with my own experience/feeling/sensation, what happens then? And how can I implement this in my parenting?
Özlem is faced with some uncomfortable tankespjärn more than once during this, our second conversation, and his ability to sit with that discomfort honors him.
“So much of parenting is the reactions of the parent. Now, we put it onto the kids, but it is our discomfort. It is our fear. It is our anxiety. It is our beliefs.” ~Helena
Me trying to control my firstborn in so many ways –what she wore, how she acted, what she said, how she reacted– was the spark that made me seek out a therapist, because I finally faced the truth of being a different parent than I wanted to be.
Writing this, I cringe inwardly because it sounds horrible. Makes me want to hide my face between my hands, or better yet, delete and start over, writing something completely different in this episode description.
But owning what I’ve done, how I’ve been, as a parent, the good and the bad alike, is my current parenting-project. I am breaking the cycle of blaming and shaming myself for what I’ve done as a parent, owning it instead. All of it. So there’s quite a lot of discomforting tankespjärn for me too in this episode. Perhaps you will find some as well?
Find Özlem Tan on LinkedIn
Den inre kompassen, blog post in Swedish
Radical Learning with my friend Rebecka Koritz
An article on traditional Inuit parenting
2 thoughts on “62. Parenting: the reactions of the parent | with Özlem Tan”
Hi Helena! What a great pod! It is amazing how parenting can be so successful, even when dreadful mistakes have been made. I love the idea of owning up to parental mistakes. Opening up such a wonderful communications channel with your children is just brilliant. I think my late wife and her daughter suffered from closed communication. That kept them at odds all of her daughter’s life. So much was lost. For the past 28 years, I served as a buffer, which improved things a lot, but I should have been more active, if I realized this style was even possible. My relationship with her daughter has improved immensely since I met you in Story Skills. So the goodness does get learned and applied. Thank you so much for what you do, I think you are improving lives all around the world.
Your scary Improv question: I need to do “The Gift of Debt” on Youtube or TikTok – Timeframe: before 2022 ends!
Oh Howard – what a story you are sharing here, touched to hear about the improved relationship with your wife’s daughter!
*Off to google ‘The Gift of Debt’ right away*