I heard it on the radio in the warehouse at work, Wednesday morning, an old favorite tune of mine. Hummed, shimmied, and sang along. As I headed to the office, I googled, as I couldn’t quite place it.

Once found, I listened to it crossing the yard.
Then, again and again. Adding it both to my Liked songs as well as my C.A.R.E ~solstice 22-23-list [yet another reminder how little I’ve been writing this past year… for the first time since 2013 I’ve not written a blog post on my intention for the year. Not for lack of intention (obviously) but have not blogged about it.] it’s popped up now and again and each time, I start to sing, whistle and hum.

Photo of a woman (me), lying on her side in bed, reading a book (This Woven Kingdom by Tahere Mafi)Now, way past noon, still in bed reading, as I have been for the last four-five hours, on this first day of vacation (and oh how I crave rest!) it starts to play, and I startle.

Realization hits me.

The name of the song:
Say what you want.

A fascinating message, to me. The synchronicity of it coming back into my life in just this moment, a reminder, bringing with it all the times D has asked me in therapy to say what you want. Only to render me blank. Staring into a void, unknowing, uncertain, questioning myself: What do I want? 

In therapy as well as outside of it, so often I falter at knowing the answer to that question. Fearful, confused, the no-response an anomaly, as I do most often feel or think or sense something. But often, way too often, asked what I want, there’s nothing.

Equally significant is the fact that I also falter at saying what I do know I want. Lying here, I think No more. Don’t hold back, Helena. Say what you want when you know what you want.