Oops… Intro forgotten, remembered, only to be lost in space somewhere, somehow. So here’s an episode without my usual short introduction. If you want the brief version (yeah, right. When have I ever managed to be brief?) it’s about lessons learned through, or thanks to, online dating. Now for the musings of which there were plenty in this my second conversation with Gary Breads.
Have you ever been ghosted?
Duck-duck-go informs me:” Ghosting is when someone who used to be friendly or even romantic with you suddenly cuts off all communication without explanation.” That’s precisely what happened to me as I waited for half an hour for an agreed upon walk n talk. He did not show up, and I didn’t get a word on Badoo, or by phone. Gone. Ghosting me.
The interesting thing is, I learned so much from this. And I wasn’t angry. Felt a sense of relief, a bullet dodged quite literally, but more than that, I got to witness myself go through this experience, doing the most gentle I ever could have done towards myself. If I hadn’t spent the past 1,5 decade learning to do gentle, I would surely have acted (or more like it, reacted) very differently.
(If I had been angry? Just as welcome! Anger, along with everything that I feel, carries a message. Listen. Just don’t take it as Truth. But a signal, most definitely!)
Being active on Badoo (or any dating app of your choice), is a great opportunity for learning. How to be human. Vulnerable. Honest. Humorous, cheeky and teasing. Being interested, and being interesting. In short, I’m learning (here as well as in many other arenas!) how to be human on Badoo.
Which just might be a really odd thing to say? Possibly not a lot of Badooers would agree with me. But for me, this is what it is, and that’s why I can look at myself as well as the man who ghosted me with such compassion.
I did not hold back.
I did not diminish myself in any way, neither during the 24 hours of intense conversation we had, as I was being ghosted, nor afterwards. In the words of Gary, there was, from my part, a radical acceptance of the tendrils of worthlessness that did show up, throughout all of this. Because of course they do. They are part of being human, and human I am, we are. All of us.
I got into a conversation with myself for the rest of that day, open, curious, loving and above all, treating myself very gently. It was amazing to experience, and I feel I’ve cracked a code for living, I just love living life, as me! You see, I don’t need to punish myself for being an idiot, for falling for a ruse, for being ignorant or naive or an easily duped person. None of that.
Instead… my experience holds a willingness to see. A willingness to be seen.
To which Gary said ”More of that please!”.
Or, in the words of Thomas Hübl:
”To be present you have to be able to see.”
To which I would add, seeing is not done solely using our eyes. We see with all of us, every sense, every organ, every cell. Or. We don’t. Closed down, desensitized or even numbed. And there’s a scale, is there not? There’s likely part of me I am not that connected to, where signals might be firing but they are not reaching me, on any conscious level at least, and other parts where all systems are go.
I just realized Badoo is like a playground where I get to see with more of me (while I am also being seen). It’s like coaching, therapy or attending an online course, I tell you. Now there’s some tankespjärn for you!