In August of 2020 I started a deep dive into shame, as shame was the Big Boss of the level of life that I’m currently at. I’d gotten through all the minor level-bosses, but had only circled the remaining one, and a year ago, I was done circling. It was time to dive deep into it, and many a conversation with Alison have touched upon the topic of shame and what I’ve found while exploring and playing around with the concept and my own reactions, responses and reveals…
One of them, have been my insight that I’ve been lax at honoring myself with saying Yes when I am a yes, and No when I am a no. All too many times I’ve done the opposite. Said yes when I really didn’t want to, and no when I really did. It’s kind of absurd to become aware of this pattern of mine, and especially so when I fully took in the fact that the more you mean to me, the harder it’s been for me to honor myself and my wishes, needs, desires.
In our fourth conversation, we speak a lot about this, me and Alison. She’s easy to talk to, and I love how her mind connects dots that take our meanderings further afield, which is the very backbone of these conversations. Not knowing where we’ll get to; not even having a defined starting point, besides showing up at the designated time and place.
Alison asks me how I will know when I’m done with my deep dive, and… she makes me think. I don’t know that I know what will make me say Done, but that piece about the Yeses and No’s feels significant. Perhaps, I will be done with Shame, the Big Boss of the level of life I am at, when it’s not my default to go against my own wishes, needs, desires? When the balance starts to shift, from a majority of Yes when no, No when yes, to more Yes when yes, No when no’s?
One of the dots Alison connects is a realization of the importance of knowing who you are for, or not. As a service provider, if you fumble and falter, going I’m probably not for you, you sure give off completely different vibes than when you state (because it is more of a statement, isn’t it?) I am not for you. Or for that matter, I am most definitely for you.
Clarity is kindness links these two threads, the Yes/No’s and Who I’m for, because the clearer I am, to me, to you, the kinder I also am. And the easier it is to honor not just me, and my time and energy, but yours as well.
This, and much more, in my fourth conversation with Alison, and surely, there will be some tankespjärn there for you as well.
Predictably irrational, book by Daniel Ariely