In a conversation around inner light as well as darkness, it’s so easy to substitute light and dark for good/bad, or positive/negative. And I have. For the longest time. But I am reclaiming my darkness, waking my inner bitch up; wanting, needing, a bit less of the goodie-two-shoes facet of myself, and a bit more edge, more anger, more holy wrath.

‘Nobody is all good. Nobody is all bad. We are a mix. The yin and the yang is present in all of us. So how do I use that [mix of lightness and darkness] in such a way that I’m not an absolute and complete total dickhead?’ ~ Helena

And even though I truly feel the need to allow my inner darkness more room, more space, more freedom, still, there’s a fear of becoming that dickhead, and that, I know I don’t want to be.

– Helena, I don’t think you have it in you to be a dickhead.

– Oh, you’re wrong, Özlem. I definitely have it in me to be a dickhead!

– It would be so interesting to see that side of you…

– Yeah, well, I’m not sure I will go so far as to let my inner dickhead out, in public…

I know I can be a dickhead. And I wonder… are there any individuals alive who don’t? Perhaps… very young children don’t? But then again, perhaps the dickhead-aspect relies on cognition? Or maybe not…

Hm. So many thoughts, questions popping, with responses arising within me that don’t feel complete. What a treat! It tells me I am on to something unfinished, where I’m not yet ‘fixed’. I haven’t settled, made up my mind, come to any definitive conclusion. And I like that!

‘I think you need a little bit darkness to understand things, underlying motivators and the reasoning behind. Like in fairy tales, where you always have the darkness against the lightness. But I think you onto something: How can you make them coexist and help rather than fight each other?’ ~ Özlem

Özlem and me kept dancing around light and dark, doing and being, and how we show up in the world in this our fifth and final conversation, but we’ve yet to actually get that impro-thing going, so who knows, perhaps there will be a surprise sometimes in the future?

This, and much more tankespjärn, is yours for the taking, if you press PLAY.


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